Authentic and Courageous

Courage and authenticity are two of the key values of the church I belong to.  Fortunately I count them as two of my own values.  In my planner as part of One Little Word project I have this:

Over the years I suppose I have been courageous.  I wrote about it in a blog post in 2017: RISK.

However looking back on the 3 months of anxiety I think God was talking to me about being courageous, but in the sense of being more vulnerable and letting people in.  Taking down the barriers that I have surrounded myself with.  Taking off the mask of 'fine'!  It's been a tough journey but I have to say it has been so worth it.  Being vulnerable is part of being authentic.  Showing the whole of you not just the bits that make you look good. 

During this time I have found real depth in friendships that I value more than anything.

So in light of this, I'm going to share a poem I wrote in January as part of the online zoom workshops I take part in. We were asked to write a poem from a child's point of view where something happened to change their perspective.  This was an incident when I was 10 and it severely influenced how I felt about childbirth which led to pre-natal depression when I was pregnant 27 years later.

Bordon Hill
The view from the top of the hill
went on forever. But turn around
and one small single-storey home
sat in the midst of an acre of
meadow flowers and orchard trees.
Chickens pecked at fallen plums.

The child, too young to have been kissed
romantically, wandered through the
fruit laden trees. Glad to be out
of the city as she recovered from
the kissing disease. Her grandparents’ home
a place of solace and recuperation.

And yet, there was still medicine to take.
Large pills for so small a throat.
Forced to swallow despite her cries.
'Ungrateful girl. Your mother almost died
in pain and labour. And you won’t ease
the worry of your health'. 

On the same zoom poetry day we were asked to write about time passing.  This happened in August 2022.

Passing
The doors slid open
to welcome the man
to A&E.
And closed behind him
shutting out the world
shutting out his wife.

Her phone rang.
'Go home. Go home and wait
for me to contact you.
Go home and wait'. 

Lunchtime passed but no food
passed her lips. She was home
and waiting. Time slowed
and still she waited.
The phone rang.
A woman’s voice. A pause.

She waited.
'Your husband’s had
a heart attack and surgery'.
Another pause – lingered long.
'You may visit now'.

I sincerely hope you have people in your life who you value and who value you - 'warts and all'.

Thank you for joining me today
Bernice

Mental Health Awareness

This week has been Mental Health Awareness week with World Mental Health Day on Thursday.  The week started with a video: Every Mind Matters.

I have written about mental health and in particular my struggles with depression before - in a post Time to Talk Day and a follow up post More Talk.

This week I have felt better than I have felt for months.  The previous week in particular was a really down time. I am reluctant to share with people if I am in need because the ladies I trust to ‘have my back’ either have really busy lives or have problems they are dealing with. But by the Friday I was in the deepest hole ever and felt I was not only going to hit rock bottom but disappear into the sludge beneath the rock. Not that I told anyone that. I did however message four friends to ask for prayer. They sent me lovely messages of support.

On the way to church I was thinking about life in general and the verse ‘without vision the people perish’. I was wondering why I do art and textiles, why I bother to run the Jubilee Studio, what was the point of getting up in the morning etc.   During the preach, our guest speaker talked about living with a greater sense of our value, dignity and purpose.

During the meeting I was able to talk to people about the depression and lack of refreshing sleep - often getting up more tired than the night before.  People prayed with me. During the coffee time afterwards a friend gave me a card and a present.

What timing!  She hadn't known anything about my struggles.

If you are a Believer, don't doubt how important your prayers, chats and encouragement is.

If you are not a Believer, don't doubt how important your chats and encouragement are.

Either way, send cards, give gifts, smile, listen.

World Mental Health Day saw the release of this video.

Keep talking.  Keep listening.

Thanks for joining me today.
Bernice

Creativity and Vulnerability

I'm an over-thinker!  I don't doodle, draw or journal - I just think.  I write whole blog posts in my head.  Or write a journal page in there.  But these thoughts don't leak out anywhere.  Not into a book, or the internet or into any piece of work.

So I've been thinking about why these thoughts don't escape.   I have empty notebooks that I've bought to write in but I don't write in them.

Why is that?

I've been exploring how to find my own voice - my unique style.  I've been reading books and articles about it.  I haven't done any work.  And then I read this in a book on creativity: 'I distrust styles.  To have a style is to be trapped!' (Milton Glaser)   What!

Back to the drawing board!  Or in my case, back to the over-thinking!

I wrote about taking Risks.  I haven't taken any recently.  I told you I seem to be risk averse.  However I do have a risk planned for next week!  Can you plan risk?  Or should taking a risk be more spontaneous?  There's something to think about!!!

In my blog post about the mentoring session I had with Christine Chester I wrote this:
One of the things we discussed was my feeling that I did too many workshops and the skills and techniques I learned didn’t translate into finished pieces. Christine wrote this in the tutorial notes: “One of the key shifts in perception is that process should be subordinate to your ideas – that does not mean that process is not important – far from it. But it does mean that you are making the idea the key feature, rather than the process. This should keep the communication of your idea clearer – either visually to an audience, or at least in your mind in light of having to write artists statements.” This is quite a shift in perception for me and I am still processing it.

And the thinking and the reading and the thinking and the writing things in my head has all been part of the processing and perception shift.

Some questions arose from all this thinking:
Why do I keep taking workshops to learn new techniques?
Why haven't I found my own voice yet?
What stops me finishing things?
What stops me starting things?
Why don't I stop thinking and get on with it?
Should I have a sketchbook, visual journal or logbook?

I was encouraged by Leah Higgins blog post where she said: ' I am not a sketchbook person. All my ideas have a long gestation period in my head before I let them loose on dye and cloth.'

I'm not the only one then!  Although she does start and finish pieces.

And then . . .

. . . . it came to me!

It's about commitment and vulnerability.

The answer to all those questions is commitment and vulnerability.  If I keep on doing technique classes then I don't have to put any of me into the samples.  I haven't found my creative voice because that would mean I have to invest some of me into it.  Probably all of me!  Even writing in a journal - which is for my eyes only - means showing up and being vulnerable.  Writing it down (or speaking it out) makes it more real.

And as for commitment - that means doing the stuff!  And that takes effort.  I draw back from things that take effort.  Which is odd because when I worked, I worked hard.  I put lots of effort into everything I did.  I can be fiercely loyal and determined.  Many people would say 'I go the extra mile' for them.  So why can't I do that for me?  For my creative work?  For my relationship with God? For my relationships with friends and family?

Looking for an image to go with this post I found this piece of artwork I did in March at a retreat.  Obviously the thinking has been going on for a while!

You might be thinking - and I've been thinking it too - if I'm so reluctant to make myself vulnerable in something as private as a personal journal, why am I writing this blog post?

Because I have to break out!  Make a breakthrough!  Allow myself to become more vulnerable - to invest in  my creative life and the rest of my life.  Break down the walls that I have built around myself.

And pressing publish on this blog is just the beginning.

Thank you for sticking with my disjointed meanderings today.

Where are you on your creative journey?

Thanks for stopping by.
Bernice